What doesn't kill us makes us stronger
by ThoughtsAreMeantToBeLetOut
Summary: Rachel Berry is a strong person, a fighter, but what if something bad happens that makes her reconsider everything in her life? We all have things in our lives that happen that throw us for a loop and make us want to give up and sometimes we just need that one person who won't let us WARNING: DEALS WITH VERY HEAVY SUBJECTS (NO CHARACTER DEATH THOUGH)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone, it's been a little while but I'm back with a new story. This is NOT a happy go lucky story, this story is full of heavy angst, but it's what I'm known for. Things will be extremely heavy and things will get hard but don't give up hope on a happy ending. **

**WARNING: THIS STORY DEALS WITH VERY HEAVY SUBJECTS BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE WILL DEAL WITH CHARACTER DEATH ! **

**Happy reading and don't forget to review or put the story on your favorite/follow list when you like it. It makes me want to write bigger, better and faster when I know the story is liked!**

**Oh, and one other thing, if you're a big fan of Brody or Brochel I would kindly advise you NOT to read this story since it clearly won't be for you!**

**Xx Sabine**

* * *

_She was fiercely independent. A fight your own battles and defeat your own demons kind of girl. That 'you reap what you sow' and 'you get what you give' attitude made her the person she is today. Always on top of making her own choices, defending and fighting for her independence._  
_But what if one day the choice was taken away from you? She hits rock bottom when one day she loses the right to say no. One second is all you need to change the direction of your life completely and how are you supposed to deal with that? If she wants to continue living her life, she has to ask for help, something she's never been willing to do before. Her name is Rachel Berry and this is her story._

* * *

November 2011

She can't believe she's here, **without **the love of her life. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be here with her, living the high life together in their tiny little shoebox apartment. But here she is, alone, in the city that's supposed to shine as bright as her talent he once said. New York was always **their **dream, or at least that's what she thought. To say that she was surprised would be the understatement of the century when he let her go to New York alone so that he could 'work on himself' and 'his dreams' like he said. What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway? Work on himself and his dreams, that was something they'd always swore they'd do together, she still doesn't understand what changed. One thing she knows for sure is that she's not going to dwell on it and be 'sad' about it. He set her free and gave her the chance to make something of herself and if that's what he wants from her than that's what she'll do.

She tries to embrace everything that New York has to offer her. She's living the high life, like they were supposed to do together and she's enjoying herself. In the back of her mind there's always something missing and she doesn't really know how to change that.

"_Rach sweetheart, you need to get yourself out there. I'm not there with you but that doesn't mean you can't make the most out of it. Go out, make new friends, find new loves" _he said to her one day when they were talking on the phone. She's thankful that never changed, they're still staying in contact and she wouldn't want it any other way. She understands what he's saying but she's not ready to go out and find new loves, she doesn't **want **to find new loves, she wants her old one with her but she knows that's not an option for them. He said that if he found himself and his dreams he for sure will join her in New York but she's not supposed to wait for him. How do you tell your mind to not wait for someone you've loved since you knew what love was? It's not as easy as it sounds, he's in her veins and in every single fiber of her being and she can't just shake him.

* * *

"_Rachel, want to go out tonight?" _Her roommate Becca looks at her expectantly. One thing she doesn't like about her New York lifestyle is the fact that she's living in the dorms of NYADA. There's absolutely almost no privacy and that bothers her to no end. Becca is really nice though, and she's managed to strike up a sort of 'friendship' with the girl and she tries to be as friendly as she can to her because well, they **are **supposed to be living together for a while.

"_I'm not really in the mood tonight Becca. I'm going to stay in and read some" _ She really doesn't feel like being her chipper self and she just wants to be her own Debbie downer and feel sorry for herself tonight, it's one of those nights.

"_If you're going to stay here all night do you mind if my brother comes to fix my television?" _

She's never met Becca's brother but what she's heard from him she knows he's a good guy and she doesn't see a reason why he can't come by _"That's fine Becca"_

Becca gives her a hug and that startles her a little bit, she's not used to being hugged. Finn used to be the only one who could give proper hugs and she would kill for one of his hugs right now. Becca's voice startles her out of her thoughts _"Thank you, Rachel"_

"_Have fun tonight"_

She's been quietly reading for about an hour when her phone rings. She looks at the screen and she smiles when she sees its Finn

"_There's my drummer boy" _ She can hear him chuckle on the other end of the line. Drummer boy was the nickname she came up with in high school. He used to call her Rach and since she didn't think there was a proper shortening name for Finn, she decided to call him drummer boy.

"_Hi Rach. How are you today?" _His voice makes her all warm and fussy inside. She really doesn't understand how someone can have that kind of effect on her even over the phone

"_I'm good, just reading some and lounging around. You?"_

"_I just finished helping with directing some of the stars for the musical. I'm beat"_

She's so proud of him for at least doing something productive with his time. When she heard from Kurt that they'd both stay in Lima for a little longer after getting rejected from NYADA and the actors studio she hoped that they both wouldn't resign her lives to become the 'lima losers' they both felt they were. _"That sounds like so much fun Finn"_

"_It really is, Rach. I really like teaching those kids something. You should see their faces; they even listen to me and everything"_

He sounds so happy and passionate about the things he's doing and she feels a little stab of jealousy that she can't share it with him _"Why wouldn't they, you're awesome"_

"_Thanks Rach, that means a lot coming from you"_

Suddenly there's a knock on the door and she walks towards it and opens it. Standing on the other side of the door is a really good looking boy that by the way Becca described him must be Becca's brother

"_Hi, you must be Becca's brother. Come in, the TV is right there" _She invites him in with a big smile and he smiles back at her _"Thank you"_

"_Who's with you?" _She hears a distance voice on the phone.

She momentarily forgot she was still on the phone and she quickly puts the phone back to her ear _"Just Becca's brother, he's here to fix her TV or something"_

"_Oh, and you're alone with him?"_

She doesn't understand why he would ask her that. It's not his position to ask things about that anymore _"Finn? Are you jealous?"_

Hearing a vague nervous laugh on the other end of the line she knows she's right but he'll probably never admit it _"No, that wouldn't be right. We're not together anymore. I'm just curious"_

She decides to be just a little mean. She's the one here in New York where he send her to **alone **and if she wants to have a boy in her room she's very well allowed to, like he said, they're not together anymore _"Well, then yes, we're alone right now"_

"_I hope you two have fun together"_

That comment infuriates her _"Finn, that's uncalled for, I don't even know the dude"_

He sighs on the other end of the line, and she knows he's getting frustrated _"You should GET to know him then"_

"_Why are you being like this?"_

"_Like what?"_

"_Like I don't matter to you anymore. You can't wait for me to move on"_

She's just saying what she's been thinking ever since she got there and he asked her to 'surrender' and meet new people.

"_That's not true Rach and you know it. I just want you to be happy"_

If he really wanted her to be happy, he would be with her right now _"And the only way for me to be happy is if you'd be with me here but that's not going to happen any time soon now is it"_

Hearing another sigh on the other end of the line she knows that they're not getting anywhere  
_"Rachel, it's not that I don't want to, I just can't right now"_

She's really not in the mood to have this conversation _"Yeah, Yeah, whatever. You know what Finn; I'm not in the mood for this conversation right now.  
We'll talk soon."_

"_Rachel?"_

He hates it when they end phone calls without talking their stuff out but she just can't right now and she doesn't want to get into things with another dude in the room _"Goodnight Finn"_

He seems to get the message though because he doesn't try talking about it anymore _"Goodnight Rach"_

* * *

She's sitting on her bed watching some silly comedy on TV when they guy comes back into her room and gives her a small smile _"So, I fixed Becca's TV so she won't be bothering you anymore. Tell her I'll send the bill tomorrow"_

Not really in the mood to be alone again she contemplates asking him to have a drink with her. She doesn't really know she wants to but she doesn't want to be alone after that conversation with Finn either and one drink won't hurt them right? _"Do you want a beer or something, for the effort?"_

"_Don't you think it would be nice to know who you're drinking that beer with? I'm Brody" _

She chuckles; she really was just about to drink a beer with a guy she only knows as Becca's brother.  
_"Well Brody, I'm Rachel. How about that beer?"_

An hour later they're both well into their third beer and she's getting a little tipsy. Not enough to not know what she's doing and not enough to know that the stroking that Brody's doing on her leg isn't something she's willing to continue so she takes his hand and puts it next to him on her bed. He doesn't seem to get the idea when he just smiles and puts his hand back on her leg and starts rubbing it.

"_Brody, stop it" _she says when she takes his hand and swats it away again.

He just smiles at her devilishly and says _"Oh come on Rachel, you know you want it"_

That's when all her alarm bells starts to ring but it's already too late, he has her pinned down on her bed with her hands above her head and he's kissing her and stroking her in places she's never been kissed and touched other than Finn and she's getting really anxious. _"Brody please stop, I don't want to do this" _

Her pleas seem to go on deaf ears when he takes two scarves from her drawer and blindfolds her with one and ties her wrists together with the other. She knows that this is really happening and she keeps squirming and screaming to get him to stop but the minute he puts a sock in her mouth she knows it's no use. There's really nothing she can do and she wonders how long it'll take for Becca to come home and catch him before things escalate. It's like he can read her mind when he answers _"Don't worry love; Becca isn't going to be home any time soon. We have plenty of time to enjoy ourselves" _

Her whole body starts shaking and she can't stop squirming and that seems to only infuriate him more when he tries to undress her. He slaps her on her face with his flat hand and the slap echo's through the room _"If you don't stop squirming right now I'm going to beat you until you do" _he says threatening and she really tries to stop it because by the way he said that she's pretty sure he's going to kill her if she doesn't. No matter how hard she tries though she can't get her body to be still and time and time again she feels the slaps before they actually come until at one point she zones out completely, doesn't feel anything anymore and she just feels like she's outside of her body looking in, even though she's blindfolded and doesn't see anything. The minute he enters her forcefully she feels he's not wearing a condom and she silently pleads he doesn't have any STD's. She closes her eyes through the blindfold and tries to think of happier times, tries to think this is Finn making sweet love to her, but he forces her to stay present by slapping her across the face again "_Stay with me Rachel, you're going to fucking enjoy this as much as I am"_

When she feels the weight come of her some time later she realizes everything hurts and she actually can't stop shaking. She hears him silently laughing and tucking himself back into his jeans and he just leaves her there, naked on her bed, with the blindfold on and still tied up.  
_"If you ever tell a soul about this I'm going to fucking really kill you and it won't be pretty. Keep your mouth shut, Rachel. Got it?"_

She can't seem to say anything and that only infuriates him more so he starts kicking her in the stomach and everywhere he can reach _"Tell me you won't tell a soul Rachel and I'll stop" _he says.

She nods_ "I promise"_ she whispers and when she hears people around in the hallway of her dorm that seems to do the trick. He silently curses and runs out of her room fast leaving her naked and bleeding everywhere. At that moment she wishes he would have just killed her.

* * *

**This last bit was pretty heavy, I know, and I'm sorry**

Stay tuned for more and let me know what you think


	2. Chapter 2

**First off, thanks to everyone who either reviewed or favorited/followed this story. It means the world to me that people like it..  
Without further ado, here's chapter two. And again, it's not pretty..**

* * *

Vulnerability, a word that usually doesn't apply to Rachel Berry. She hates being vulnerable, and scared, looking over her shoulder every corner of every street to see if she's being followed or if she sees Brody somewhere.

It's been a week and she's been ignoring calls from her fathers, Finn, Kurt and everyone else who tried to contact her. She hardly even talks to Becca because she doesn't know what to say. She suspects _"oh Becca, your brother raped me but I can't tell anyone because he'll kill me_" wouldn't go over very well.  
It is her brother after all that she's accusing and why would she believe Rachel over her own brother? If she were in her shoes she wouldn't believe herself either.

Her phone rings for the umptieth time and she doesn't even look at the screen before pressing the ignore button.

Becca sighs and takes a deep breath before looking over at Rachel _"Jesus Rachel, I'm getting worried. You look like death walking and you barely talked two words to anyone this past week"_

She tries to smile at Becca to reassure her but she can feel the smile not quite reaching her eyes  
_"I'm fine"_

"_Yeah, and I'm the pope. Did something happen with my brother last week?" _

Thinking of Brody almost issues a panic attack but she tries her best to keep it at bay.  
_"Leave it Becca"_ she says before grabbing her bag and walking out the door. Deep down she's glad that Becca hasn't said anything about her bruises. She's grateful for the fact that she can cover up most of them with her clothes and for the ones on her face she uses make up. She really wouldn't know what to say if people would question where she got those bruises and she really doesn't want to think about it.

* * *

Trying to find some peace and quiet she walks through Central Park and without realizing it she ends up on Bow Bridge. She pictures herself and Finn there years ago when they got back together. It dawns on her that things are never going to be the same and she feels her cheeks becoming damp and she realizes she's crying. She thought she would get through this alone but it's hard. Especially being all alone in a big city. As on queue her phone starts ringing again and she decides to pick up this time

"_Princess, I'm so happy you picked up. We were so worried" _On the other end of the line are her fathers and their voices are rushed and panicked and she hates that she did that to them

"_Oh papa, don't be worried. I've been just super busy" _

"_I have a feeling you're dealing with some stuff pumpkin"_

"_No papa, just busy" _She hates lying to her fathers but she really doesn't want them to worry.

"_Have you talked to Finn recently princess?" _ She hears her daddy ask in the distance

"_No. I'll call him soon daddy"_

"_He is worried pumpkin"_

"_I said I'll call him" _She snaps and ends the call abruptly. She knows that only worries her fathers even more but she's just so tired of people checking up on her. She sends her papa a quick text letting him know she's in a crowded room and couldn't talk anymore. Another lie, she thinks before pressing send. If she wants to keep this a secret and try to get on with her life she's going to master the art of lying, she knows she must perfect it.

* * *

Apparently lying isn't that hard when you're not doing it to people's face but rather on the phone. They don't have to see your face and they have to go by the tone of voice to know if you're being sincere which is easier to manipulate than your facial expressions. It doesn't make her feel better knowing that she's now lied to almost everyone she loves. Everyone, but one. She still hasn't talked to Finn. She doesn't know why she keeps ignoring his calls but somehow she knows that if there's one person she's never going to fool it's going to be Finn. He knows her like the back of his hand and that scares her. She doesn't want him to find out the truth, she needs to deal with this on her own, jt's her own fault this happened anyway. But, she also understands that she can't ignore him forever because that will only raise more suspicion so she decides to write him a small e-mail explaining why she hasn't been able to contact him for the past couple weeks.

**From: Rachel  
To: Finn  
Subject: Excuse**

**My dearest Finn,**

**First of all I want to say I'm sorry for not answering your calls or calling you back. I've just been so super busy with school and everything surrounding it that I just come home at the end of the day and crash. I promise I'm going to call you soon to catch up and tell you everything that's been going on.**

**Love,  
Rachel**

Not a minute later she gets an alert on her phone that there's already an e-mail back and she opens it hesitantly

**From: Finn  
To: Rachel  
Subject: Re: Excuse **

**Okay**

She gets a very nasty feeling in the pit of her stomach from just that one word. Finn has never been one to send e-mails and if he does they're usually short and to the point but she's never had a one word e-mail from him before and it worries her.

* * *

She should have known that that one word e-mail from Finn meant he was up to something and she's been proven right. Because, here he is standing in front of her dorm room looking at her expectantly and she doesn't know what to do. She doesn't want to leave him out in the cold but she doesn't want to invite him into her room either. The room where everything happened, everything she's tries so desperately hard to forget.

"_What are you standing there Rachel. Give me a hug" _His words bring her back to reality and she hesitantly hugs him and when he tightens his arms around her she tries to steady her breathing and not let him notice that it's hurting her more than it should.

"_Okay, what's going on Rach? You're not answering any of my calls, you don't text. You hardly talk to your friends and family. You isolate yourself her in New York completely and you look, how do I say this, not that great"_

She knows that's why he's here. He's worried about her and for her to not text or talk to him only fueled his worry even more and that's why he's here in New York. That's the **only **reason why he's here and she doesn't like it one bit "_Finn Hudson, I'm not a charity case you have to go look after when you don't hear from them for a couple weeks. Like I said in the e-mail I've just been super busy and just haven't had the time"_

"_Rachel, you might fool all the people around but are you forgetting who you're dealing with here? It's me, Finn, your drummer boy; you can't hide things from me" _

"_You are __not __**my **__anything anymore Finn and I don't owe you any explanation whatsoever and frankly I don't want to give you one" _She says angrily and she doesn't miss the look of hurt and confusion on his face

A knock on the door leaves her startled and Finn doesn't miss the fear in her eyes when she quickly looks from him to the door. He knows something's up and he's going to find out what's wrong even if it's the last thing he does.

She tries to act as nonchalant as possible when she opens the door but her breath gets caught when it's indeed the one person she feared most to see. She takes two steps back and Finn notices her tensing up and decides to step in _"Hello, I'm Finn, Rachel's uh, Friend. What can I do for you?"_

"_So this is the infamous Finn Hudson. I'm Brody. Pretty sure Rachel's told you all about me, haven't you Rachel?" _Brody gives her a smile and a wink and it sends shivers up her entire body. She's just standing there, like a statue, unable to move and only being an outsider witness to the conversation between the two boys.

"_No, not really" _Finn answers looking over at Rachel

"_Weird, I would have guessed she would have told you about us"_

"_Us?" _Finn questions still looking at Rachel and not giving Brody any time of day.

"_Yeah, Rachel and I we're kind of like a thing now"_

"_What is going on here Rachel?"_

Rachel gasps; she can't believe Brody really said that to Finn. How is she going to get herself out of this mess?

"_Nothing Finn, it's nothing"_

She can tell that Finn is getting angry and doesn't believe a word she's saying because he starts fiddling with his hands and the veins in his head pop up and they only do that when he's either agitated or starting to get mad. _"Nothing? You just forgot to mention that while you were too busy contacting your friends and family that you have a boyfriend now?"_

Brody quickly makes a throat slashing motion towards Rachel behind Finn's back and that tells Rachel to keep her mouth shut about the real situation _"It's not like that Finn"_

"_It's exactly like that, Rachel. It's just so typically you. Wow, I can't believe I flew all the way from Ohio because I was worried and here you are already fully moved on. Guess the jokes on me, __**again**__"_

Finn turns on his heels and starts walking towards the door, shoulders slumped, clearly defeated.

"_Finn, please don't go" _Rachel tries to plead with him but she knows as long as she doesn't tell Brody to leave Finn won't stay and she can't tell Brody to go because she's pretty sure that's going to infuriate him even more.

"_Have fun with Brody. I hope you two are happy. You make a lovely couple" _She hears to vulnerability and hurt in his voice and she has to suppress a strangled breath and cry because she never meant to hurt him like that and it's all her fault.

"_No Finn. No."_

Without saying another word Finn turns around and leaves Rachel alone with Brody.  
Brody doesn't say anything, he just smirks and attempts to give her a kiss but she turns her head and the kiss lands on her cheek _"Remember, if you ever tell __**anyone **__I'll kill you and won't think twice about it"_ he whispers in her ear before quietly walking away from her.

Rachel stutters and starts shaking the minute the door closes and she's alone in her room again. She can't stop the tears that are coming. She doesn't know how to get herself out of the situation and she hates the fact that Finn is now mad at her. If only she just would have picked up one of his calls and told him everything was okay, none of this would have happened. Everything would all still be in her own hands, she can't believe she's just involved Finn in her mess.

* * *

**Uhoh, this doesn't look good for Rachel. First of all, she's blaming herself for everything that's happening and Brody has her in a tight grip, frightening her into submission. How is she ever going to get out of this mess?**

**Reviews are love.. **

**til next time!**


	3. Chapter 3

_Ugh, I'm so sorry guys for not updating sooner but life has been getting in the way. I will keep doing my best to update at least once a week but I can't guarantee anything right now because life is so freaking hectic.. So, I ask you to be a little patient with me okay? Thanks again to the people who reviewed/favorite/followed this story. It means the world to me!_

* * *

For the next couple of days the tables are practically turned. Rachel's been calling and texting Finn like crazy but he doesn't respond to anything. For a minute there she thinks he must have gone back to Ohio but according to Kurt he's still in New York. She's a little worried as to where in New York he is.

The idea of Finn spending unnecessary money on a hotel is something she doesn't like but then again she's been trying to contact him for three days straight and he didn't give one sign of life, so it's his choice to stay here and spend money on hotels when it's not needed.

Her phone buzzes signaling for an incoming text  
**From: Kurt**  
**Finn says he's going home tomorrow. If you really want to talk to him he's in room 120 of the palace hotel. Good luck diva. **

She has asked Kurt to keep her updated and she's thankful for the information. She sends him a quick thank you text before making her way out of her room. It's become a habit to look left and right while holding her pepper spray before actually walking out of her room completely.

Then minutes later she's walking into the lobby of the Palace hotel. While walking to the hotel she decided to just go up to his room and knock rather than asking the clerk to call him to see if he's in. He probably would decline her and she really needs to talk to him. Taking the elevator up she goes over what to tell him one more time. She really wants him to go back to Lima on good terms but she needs him to go home, badly. Arriving at room 120 she doesn't hesitate in knocking but there's no movement behind the door. Knocking again she contemplates what to do and she decides to just wait for him. She looks around the hallway and spots a little sitting area in the back of the corridor and she decides to wait there.

* * *

He sees her sitting there seemingly deep in thought and he doesn't know how to approach her. He's been ignoring her for a reason and he can't believe Kurt sold him out. Why is she here anyway? He is going home tomorrow and he'll be out of New York and out of her life like she obviously wants.

"_Rach"_ he says quietly but she doesn't respond, she seems to be in very deep thought.  
_"Rachel_" he says again while putting a hand on her shoulder. Suddenly she slaps his hand away, jumps up while screaming _"don't touch me"_

Finn retreats from her with his hands in the air surrendering and he doesn't know what to do. He can tell she's trying to regulate her breathing and she's calming herself down considerably.  
Sitting herself back down she casts her eyes towards him shyly _"I'm so sorry Finn. You must think I'm crazy"_  
He's having a lot of thoughts right now but her being crazy isn't one of them. He does feel that there's something wrong and something definitely happened to her, he just doesn't know what it is that has her so jumpy and scared. But, if it's up to him he's going to find out, whether she wants him to or not.

* * *

"_So, let me get this straight. Some street thug robbed you on your first week here?" _She nods. Lying to Finn isn't one of her strong suits but she needs him to believe her, she needs him to go back home.

"_why didn't you just tell us that, Rach?"_

Going over the story in her mind one last time she says _"I didn't want you to think I was a damsel in distress and that I needed help" _

Finn sighs "_You know that's not how we see you, you are one of the strongest most independent woman I know"  
_Those words almost have her bursting into tears. If only he knew. Swallowing a couple times she smiles at him_ "I'm really happy you cared enough to come to New York to check on me but I'm fine Finn, I promise" _That's probably the biggest lie she ever told him and she prays he believes it.  
_"Okay Rach. If you say so. I have to go back to Ohio anyway. Mr. Shue only gave me the week off"  
_She silently thanks Mr. Shuester for that and gives him a small smile _"Just promise me one thing Finn"_  
He looks at her expectantly, his eyes pleading her to continue "_We don't ignore each other again"_  
Smiling at her he nods and gives her a big unexpected hug that has her tense up in her entire body. Something that doesn't go unnoticed by Finn. He wants to say something about it.  
_"Take care of yourself Rachel"_ he says instead. She nods and smiles "_You too Finn. You too"_

Closing the door behind her the tears start flowing again. She doesn't know why she's so emotional these days and she doesn't like it one bit. Thinking about what she just did has her crying even more. She just send the one person who she'd always relied on back home, and now she's all alone again.

* * *

The following day has her very uneasy. She's having a really weird feeling that she can't seem to shake. It takes all of her willpower to get up and get dressed. When she's finally eating her breakfast she hears a knock on her door and she walks to the door tentatively and looks through the peephole. She's surprised to see Finn standing there but she opens up none the less. _"Finn, come in. I thought you were on your way back home"  
_He walks through the door and plops down on her _bed "I am. I just wanted to say goodbye properly"_ smiling at him she sits herself down next to him_ "and I wanted to know what the deal between you and that Brody dude is" _he adds.

Upon hearing Brody's name her whole body tenses again but she tries to hide it _"There is no deal be-"  
_Finn cuts her off harshly "_Please don't say nothing Rach. Don't lie to me" _those words hit her where it hurts because that's all she's been doing since that faithful day.

_"Finn, I don't know what to say"_ and that's the absolute truth. She can't tell him anything and before she can think about it some more there's another knock on the door. Rachel looks towards Finn and silently pleads with him to go to the other room. Dorm rules are that there aren't allowed people in their dorms that do not go to their school. He slumps his shoulders, the hurt evident in his eyes but he complies anyway.

The minute she opens the door she regrets not looking through the peep hole.  
_"Brody"_ she spits silently but angrily  
He smiles his evil smile _"Rachel honey, that's no way to treat someone you had sex with"  
_Not wanting to get into this with Finn in the other room she thinks of a quick way to get rid of him  
_"Get out Brody_" she hisses and she pushes him towards the door.  
It startles him for a minute but he recovers emidiatly and slaps her across the face hard  
_"Don't __**ever **__do that again. We did it once without your consent and I can __**easily **__do it again"_  
Suddenly an extreme amount of anger overrides her fear and she pushes her body forwards towards him and screams _"Just call it like it is Brody, there's a name for things like that" _he laughs devilishly  
_"If you ever tell anyone that, I'll kill you and I have no problem killing everyone you love including that precious little Finn of yours"  
_Upon hearing Finn's names she comes out of her rage induced fuel and she suddenly realizes he's in the other room _"Go Brody, __**now**__"_ she opens the door for him and steps aside to let him out  
_"You're lucky I have class right now but this is not over, Rachel_" he says before disappearing through the hallway.

She shakily puts herself on her bed and she can't stop the tears from coming. She doesn't even hear Finn come out of the other room and walk towards her until the bed dips next to her.  
_"Rachel?"_ he whispers and when she looks at him she sees the pain and realization in his eyes  
_"You weren't robbed where you?"_  
A part of her wants to scream out what happened but Brody's threat still lingers in her mind so she just shakes her head.  
_"What happened?"_  
_"I can't"_ she sobs. If she tells him what happened she's sure that Brody will find out and then none of her loved ones including Finn are going to be safe.  
_"Did Brody do something to you Rach?"_ That question startles her and the minute it registers in her mind she can't do anything else than cry hysterically and that's all the confirmation Finn needs. He scoops her up in his arms and while her whole body tenses, she lets him hug her.  
_"I'm sorry Rachel, I'm so sorry"_ is what he keeps repeating. He doesn't know what else to say.  
He looks at the girl in his arms and his heart breaks for her, he has never seen her so fragile and broken before and it's all thanks to that dickhead. He's going to make sure he pays one way or another.  
It takes everything in him to stay and make sure Rachel's okay and to not go after that monster and kill him himself. But, he can't leave Rachel now, not like this, not ever. The girl he loves is in pain and she needs him now more than ever and he'll be damned if he'll leave her now.

* * *

**So, the cat's out of the bag. Finn knows something happened between Rachel/Brody without consent. How is he going to deal with this? How is Rachel going to deal with the fact that Finn knows? What happens now? Stay tuned!**

**R & R my lovelies!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Ugh, I'm sorry guys.. I can't seem to find time to write and publish as much as I would like. Don't hate me for it, I'm doing my best.. **

**R&R please!**

* * *

It took Finn practically all night to calm her down and somewhere around 5 A.M she finally succumbs to all her crying and tiredness and fell asleep. He had to explain to her roommate that they had an intense evening and he didn't want to leave her alone. Becca was nice enough to offer him the couch but he didn't want to be away from Rachel for one second so he settled for the armchair at the end of her bed before he dozed off.

Finn wakes up to the smell of pancakes and looks towards Rachel's bed. She's still curled up into a tiny ball and he really doesn't want to wake her. About a minute later her roommate Becca walks into the room with coffee and a plate of pancakes.  
_"Rachel ones told me you where a breakfast of champions kind of guy"_ she says while handing him the plate and coffee  
_"She talked about me_?" he asks genuinely surprised.  
Becca smiles _"All the time dude, that girl is head over heels in love with you. The way she described you guys I believed you were soul mates"  
_Finn looks over at the tiny woman in the bed and he sighs "_Yeah, we were pretty awesome together"_  
_"So what happened?"_ Becca truly seems interested in the story but he's not in the mood to talk about that right now

_"Life"_ he says before taking a bite from his pancake.

Becca seems to take the hint because she stands up and walks back towards the door, before she disappears though he hears her say _"Don't lose her again Finn"  
_He thinks about the way her body tensed when he held her last night, the way she looked towards the door every ten seconds and the way she woke up every five minutes to a nightmare _"What if I already have?" _he whispers into the dark

* * *

He doesn't want to lose her, he doesn't want to think or believe that maybe he already lost an important part of her. A part that he probably won't ever get back. Rachel Berry is not **his **Rachel Berry anymore. She's not the strong, fierce, independent woman he saw her grow into in high school. This girl now is a shell of the girl he saw not more than a year ago. He has to think about how much has changed in that year, the year he sent her off to New York **alone **and didn't talk to her for four whole months, something he still regrets up until this day. He just didn't feel like he deserved her and he didn't want to bring her down and not have her chase her dreams because of him. How was he supposed to know that something this tragic would happen and it would turn her into practically a ghost of the person she was?

She goes to school, takes her classes, does her homework but she doesn't seem to care about it as much as she used to and as much as he wants to he doesn't know **how **to help her, other than just be here for her. Some days it even feels that she doesn't **want **him to help her, she just wants to wallow in her pain and go through the motions of life without really living but he'll be damned if he will let that happen.  
_"Finn?" _her groggy sleepy voice startles him out of his thoughts and he rushes over to her side  
_"Yes baby, I'm here"_ he says and brushes a hair of off her face. She winces and turns her head the other way and he backs away from her immediately.  
He doesn't even know how to react around her right now, she doesn't want to be touched but she asks for his presence. She can see the look of hurt on his face and she knows that she's not being fair but she can't help or control the way her body reacts to his touch. It's not **his **touch she's really afraid of she thinks, it's just that **any **touch right now is just too much  
_"I'm sorry Finn. I don't mean to be like this. I'm so sorry" _  
He gives her a tiny title smile _"I just don't know how to act around you anymore Rach. It's like you want me here but you don't __**really **__want me here" _  
She takes a deep breath and turns around to face him once again "_I __**do **__want you here Finn, I just .. I don't know. I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry"_  
He sighs _"Stop saying you're sorry. It's not like you chose this"_  
_"No I didn't, but you didn't either"  
_He feels the tears prick behind his eyelids. He can't stand seeing the girl he loves so broken and he's powerless to help her.  
_"What do you want me to do?"_ is all he can think of to ask  
_"Can you just please go?"_ she whispers and that question startles him.  
_"Where am I supposed to go?"_  
_"Just please go Finn. I can't handle seeing you right now"_ she's still whispering and she turned her head away from him again a long time ago  
He pushes himself of off the floor, takes his duffle bag and walks towards the door  
_"All I ever want to do was help you Rachel, but I guess that's not enough for you"_ he says before he opens the door. She suddenly stands up and marches towards him  
_"This is your entire fault anyway. Now __**go**__"_ she shouts before slamming the door on his way out

* * *

He's sitting in this quiet little café on the edge of town when he sees a very familiar face walking towards him.  
_"What the hell are you doing here?"_ he says and makes a move to stand up  
_"Finn, sit down. Rachel asked me to come" _He's looking at her like she's crazy. He can't believe that out of all people Rachel called Santana to talk to him. Santana has been his best friend since they were little and thankfully she took a liking to Rachel after a little while too but he doesn't feel like talking about things with her "_I'm in no mood to talk right now Tana"_  
Santana snickers and he knows that usually doesn't mean anything good _"Too bad, because we're going to. Now spill"_  
He takes a deep breath and he can feel himself getting angry "_Brody Fucking Weston rapes her and somehow it all turns out to be __**my **__fault. That's just great isn't it?"_  
Santana gives him an apologetic look but she's not one to sugarcoat things "_You where the one who put her on a train and send her to New York City all alone weren't you?"  
"Don't remind me. But how do we get from me putting her on a train, that being the hardest thing I ever had to do by the way, to her getting raped being __**my **__fault?" _  
He knows that getting her to go to New York alone on the day they were supposed to get married really messed her up but that doesn't mean he's to blame for her getting raped.  
"_Just imagine being in a new very big city all alone with no one to support you. Becca has been an amazing roommate and friend to her since the beginning, Finn. How was she supposed to know that her brother was the exact opposite and he would turn out to be a complete monster?"  
_Suddenly it all dawns on him, they way she always keeps looking towards the door to see if Brody is going to show up. It's because he **can**.  
"_Hold up. Back the fuck up Tana. That evil fucker is Becca's brother?"  
_Santana nods  
"_And she's still staying in her dorm willingly?"_

_"Not exactly willingly but where is she supposed to go Finn?"  
_He knows she's right. Santana is only in New York on business for a few days and is staying in a hotel so it's not like the two girls can get an apartment together. But then a sudden brilliant idea hits him

"_That's it, I'm calling Kurt"_

"_huh? What? Why?" _Santana states confused. Apparently Finn is the only one who knows about Kurt's plans and that works out perfectly right now.  
"_Kurt got accepted to Nyada for the second semester. He and Rachel can get a place together" _ he states matter-of-factly

"_And you think she's going to go for it just like that?"_ Santana has always been one to question things and usually he doesn't really like her doing so but at this point he can appreciate it more than he did in high school because it makes him think before he acts.

"_She will if she doesn't know it's my idea" _he says after a little while.  
Santana looks at him worryingly _"This sounds like a bad idea Finn"  
"Got anything better Lopez?"_ he says annoyed and Santana sees in his posture and the way he's using her last name that he means business and she can't help but think the idea isn't half bad and she doesn't really have a better idea herself  
_"Not really"_ she says  
_"Then it's settled. I'm calling"_ He takes his phone out of his pocket and starts dialing Kurt's number but before he can press call Santana snatches the phone out of his hands.  
_"What the hell?" _he stares at her angrily_  
"You can't tell him about the rape. You and I are the only ones that know. We can't betray her like that, not anymore then we're already doing anyway"_  
He thinks about her words for a minute and has to conclude she's right  
_"I'll tell him she's lonely and miserable here and needs friends around her. Which isn't really lying you know. Kurt actually said he would love to live with Rachel so don't see the problem here"_

"_I pray to god this works, Finn"_

"_It has to. Now give me back my phone please so I can make the call Tana"_

* * *

To say Rachel was surprised when Kurt called her and said he got accepted to Nyada was an understatement, and when he said he would love to find a place for them to live together she was dumbstruck. Getting out of the dorms and away from the bad memories sounded amazing to her, but what would happen to Finn? She can't leave him here with Becca but she's also not sure about having him live with her and Kurt. Maybe he should just go back to Lima to pick up his own life at Mckinley. She knows he's never going to go for that though. It was going to take a lot for him to leave her again and she's not sure she wants him to. She has to admit it's been actually nice and scary to have him around almost all the time.

_"Finn, are you here?" _Rachel peeks her head around her door but her room appears to be empty. Deciding to talk to him when he gets home she walks towards the bathroom and prepares for a shower.  
The minute the hot water cascades over her body she visibly relaxes and forgets everything that's been on her mind and she's thankful for that.

Finn quietly opens the door to Rachel's dorm room. He still isn't used to this whole sneaking thing but if it meant he would keep Rachel safe and close this way, he wouldn't complain.  
_"Rach"_ he calls inside her room but it's quiet beside the soft ticking off the clock on the wall  
_"Rach"_ he tries again but he is still met with silence. He's not happy she's not here. He gets anxious every time he doesn't know where she is. Checking his phone he sighs when he doesn't see any new texts or missed calls. Deciding he's going to go looking for her on campus he wants to quickly freshen up.  
The minute he opens the bathroom door he is met with a loud shriek _"FINN"_  
He wants to turn around and leave but he can't. His eyes are glued to her body, more precisely the bruises on them.  
"Get out" she says silently but urgently. He looks up into her eyes and sees the fear in them  
_"Rach"_ he calmly and slowly takes a step towards her. She instantly takes two steps back and shouts through gritted teeth _"get the hell out"_  
Finn blinks  
_"Now_" she takes a step forward and pushes him with all her strength causing him to stumble backwards out of the bathroom and crashing into her bedroom wall.  
Before he can get up and say anything she slams the door shut leaving Finn startled.

* * *

She can't believe he had the nerve to come into the bathroom. He just came in. Granted she didn't really locked the door so he couldn't know she would be in here but still, he just saw her bruised and battered body. She remembers the look on his face when he saw the bruises. The bruises Brody left. He looked gutted, shocked, heartbroken and disgusted all at the same time.

How is she ever going to face him now?

When she finally emerges from the room fully clothe she's met with Finn's hard stare.  
_"How the hell did you get those bruises?"_ his harsh voice cuts through her but she can tell he's determined to get answers  
_"I I I"_ she stutteres.  
_"Don't you dare lie and say you fell or some shit like that. I want the truth and I want it now"  
_She knows she owes him the truth but she doesn't know it would do them any good with him being this mad. As if he's reading her mind he takes a deep breath, sits himself down and his eyes soften  
_"Please"_ he whispers taking her hand but quickly letting it go when he sees fear in her eyes

Rachel takes the deepest breath she can muster, casts her look down and mumbles "_Promise me you won't freak out on me"_

* * *

**_Uh oh, more bad news for Finn? Is Rachel really going to be completely honest with him and tell him exactly what happened?"_**

**_Tune in to find out..._**

**_I'll try to update as soon as I can early next week_**

**_Xoxo_**


	5. Chapter 5

**Here's another update for you all. Enjoy & don't forget to review.. It makes me write better,bigger and sooner ;-)**

* * *

He's quietly lounging around when he suddenly hears the front door open and in comes Rachel. The minute she sees him her expression changes _"You're here"_ she says.

_"Yeah, where else would I be_" he replies sourly.  
She sets her backpack down and tentatively walks towards him _"We need to talk"_

He has to swallow and look away because the tone of her voice tells him he's not going to like this conversation. He silently nods.  
"_Kurt's moving to New York and asked me to look for a place of campus together. Which obviously means I'll be moving out of these dorms soon and you're kinda staying her illegally and you can't stay here alone with Becca"_ she rambles.

_"Wow Rach. Slow down. What are you saying?"_  
Her expression changes to one of shame _"You have to leave"_ she finally whispers silently and he instantly catches the double meaning behind her words  
"_Leave here or leave New York"_ he asks and her face tells him everything he needs to know. "_Great! I guess now with Kurt coming you don't need me anymore. I was always just a bodyguard wasn't I?" _  
Her silence speaks volumes to him and he snorts _"I guess that's my answers"_ he stands up, takes his bag and turns around one last time_ "I hope you'll be happy again one day, Rach" _and with those final words he walks out the door.

* * *

Rachel's been crying no stop since Finn left. His words playing on a loop in her mind. He was never **just **a bodyguard to her, he's the man she loves with all her heart and he could never be just that. But, she can't be what he wants her to be right now so she said nothing and let him assume the worst, for both their sakes. She wonders if he'll go back to Lima and leave her after this fight. If she really knows Finn and she likes to believe she does after everything they've been through together these past couple years she knows he's not going to give up that easy. A part of her thinks that maybe she's subconsciously testing him to see how far she can go before he finally has enough and gives up on her. She knows it's not fair to do but she can't seem to help herself, she needs that constant reminder that he's not going to leave her again.

* * *

Wandering through the busy streets of New York Finn doesn't know what to do or where to go. Living with Rachel for the past two months gave him the opportunity to safe the rest of his hard earned money but it's not enough to even cover a full month of food, let alone rent in a city like this. He figures the only thing he can do right now is book a hotel for the night and spend the next couple days trying to find some sort of job because if there's one thing he knows for sure it's that he's not going back to Ohio even if it means he has to live in a cardboard box under Bow Bridge.

He's sitting on a bench in central park when his phone rings. He's hesitant to pick up when he sees it's Kurt, knowing Kurt and Rachel are close she's probably told him what happened and he's about to get an earful. Deciding he can't ignore Kurt's calls forever because knowing Kurt he will keep calling. he picks up.

"_Hello Kurt"_ he says hesitantly and he hears a sharp intake of breath before Kurt goes off on his rant  
_"Finn Hudson, what the hell happened that Rachel calls me up sobbing that you left her?"_  
He knew that she would call Kurt and make it his fault and he hates that  
_"Well, considering the fact she doesn't need nor want me anymore I guess I left, yes."_  
It's silent on the other end of the line and Finn wonders if maybe he hung up but suddenly Kurt's voice returns _"You're an idiot"_  
_"Excuse me?"_ he says bitterly. There are a few things Finn hates being called and idiot sure is one of them  
_"Did she say she doesn't want you there anymore?"  
"Her silence kinda said it all Kurt"_  
Kurt's now full on laughing on the other end of the line and he doesn't understand what's so funny  
_"Finn, come on. You know as well as I do that Rachel wants __**and **__needs to you her. She's just testing you"  
"Testing me?"_  
_"To see how far she can go before you leave her again but this time for good"_  
He has to admit that it kind of makes sense but that doesn't mean he has to like it  
_"I told her I'm not leaving her again_" he said in earnest, he meant it when he said it to her a million times before and he means it now saying it again to Kurt  
_"But isn't that what you just did?"_ he hears Kurt say and suddenly it hits him, he did exactly the one thing he promised over and over he would never do again.  
_"I __**am **__an idiot"_ he says before he thanks Kurt, puts his phone away and takes of back to the dorms.

* * *

Rachel's laying face to the wall on her bed when she hears a squeak and she instantly freezes, what if Brody got a key from Becca and he's here to shut her up once and for all? She silently stands up and tiptoes to her nightstand, opens the top drawer and takes out the knife she has hidden for safety.

She whispers a _"who is it"_ into the dark night air and when she hears the soothing low voice of Finn saying _"It's me Rach"_ she puts the knife back where she got it from and walks towards her door  
_"What are you doing here?"_ she tries to sound angry but the tiredness and emotion in her voice betray her.  
_"We need to talk"_ is all he says before he sits himself down on her bed.  
_"Oh"_ is all she says before she sits herself down next to him. He's looking at her with a look of shame on his face and she doesn't know what to think of that.  
_"I know why you did what you did Rach"_  
Those words startle her "_What do you mean?" _  
He locks his eyes with hers and whispers_ "I'm not leaving you again, Rach. I promised you and I'm keeping my promise"_  
Rachel gives him a timid smile _"I'm sorry"_ she says before she takes the initiative to hug him and he softly places a kiss on her forehead_  
"What do we do now?"_ she breathes into his chest.  
He thinks about that for a minute before he says _"I don't know. But we'll figure it out together"  
_She gives him another smile and surprises him with a firm kiss on his lips. They haven't kissed since the thing with Brody happened two months ago and he doesn't know what to do but Rachel seems to know exactly what she's doing when she pushes him down on her bed.  
That night is the first night they make love since he got to New York

* * *

They wake up together, sweaty bodies and tangled limbs and he doesn't dare to smile because he doesn't know how she feels about what happened. Her groggy voice shakes him out of his thoughts _"Morning Finn"_ and she snuggles even closer to him and gives him a kiss,

_"How are you feeling?"_ he dares to ask. He remembers her body tensing underneath him and the emotion etched on her face when they became one.  
_"I'm fine Finn. I made love to the person I wholeheartedly gave my heart to and I'm okay. It was emotional and scary but it was worth it"_  
He hugs her a little closer and drops a kiss on her head whispering _"I love you"_ in her ear. The moment those words leave his lips he regrets them. It's way too soon and her silence kills him. He knows he shouldn't have said it but the very quiet _"I love you too Finn"_ surprises him and he can't stop himself from grinning like a fool.  
Things are starting to look up, but they still have a very long way to go. Starting with figuring out what they're going to do about their living arrangement.

* * *

It's been a couple weeks since that night and he's glad he has seen a significant change in Rachel. She has more pep in her step, her smile is brighter and shown more and she even talks about her dreams like she used to. Some things haven't changed though. Finn still can't be the one to initiate the contact without her tensing or freaking out slightly and they haven't kissed or slept in the same bed since then. It makes him nervous and wonders that in hindsight maybe it was too soon and she regrets it. They haven't talked about it and he's afraid to bring it up so he just decided to let it go for now. They did talk about their living situation though and he was surprised when both Kurt and Rachel proposed they look for a place for all of them together. But, who was he to argue with that? He had applied to the spring semester of NYU and to his own surprise got accepted. He just figured he would work until he had to be in school so he could help out with rent and groceries.

It took a **lot **of planning and a little bit of persuading before they all agreed on a good size loft in Brooklyn. The loft had four bedrooms and was big enough for a small army but the rent was amazingly affordable and the neighborhood was pretty nice. It was centered somewhere in the middle of NYADA and NYU and that's what drew Finn in. He still hasn't told Kurt and Rachel he got into a college in the city but in the end they all agreed this loft would be a great place to start their lives together and Finn knew it would be a great place for Rachel to finally get the fresh start she so desperately wanted away from the dorms, away from the nightmares that still haunted her almost every night.

* * *

**Okay, so it 'looks' like things are getting better for Finchel but don't be fooled, the ride isn't over & it won't be this easy.**

**stay tuned! **


	6. Chapter 6

_**So, I took my time writing this chapter because I really didn't like the way I was going with writing it.  
Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking the direction of the story any other way but I didn't like the way I was writing it. **_  
_**I hope the time I took helped me get this chapter out better & please let me know what you think.**_

* * *

Three weeks, that's how long it takes for him to finally say he's had enough. It happens one night when he sees Kurt sneaking up on Rachel in the kitchen while she's cooking and wrapping his arms around her and giving her a kiss on the cheek. She doesn't make a sound, jumps up or even flinches which she does every time Finn does something like that and it shakes him to his core. This scene in front of him with Rachel laughing and just letting Kurt hug her hurts him more than he ever would have dared to admit and when Kurt leaves minutes later he stomps into the kitchen and glares at her _"What the hell Rachel"_ he shouts. She turns around surprised and puts her hands on her hips glaring at him _"What do you mean?" _she doesn't reprimand him for his use of crass language because she knows him well enough that in this situation it'll only make him even more mad and she doesn't want that. He sarcastically laughs at her _"You know what I mean Rachel. What the hell was that with Kurt hugging you?"_

Rachel looks at him surprised _"What? Kurt can't hug me now?"  
_He feels himself getting angrier by the minute and he tries his best to take deep breaths to tamper it but inside he's boiling _"That's not the point and you know it. Kurt can surprise you, hug you, kisses you on the cheek and you don't even bat an eyelash at him. If I do it you freeze and almost knock me of my feet pushing me away"  
_She knows that it must have hurt seeing that but Kurt's her best friend and she can't control how her body reacts to anything these days "_Finn, Kurt's __**gay**__! He would never hurt me_" the minute those words leave her mouth she regrets them  
_"And I would?"_ he shouts. His whole body tenses and she can see the hurt on his face  
_"That's not what I'm saying. It's just. Kurt's my best friend Finn; I can trust him"_  
She doesn't know why she's saying these things, it's not like she's intentionally trying to hurt him  
_"I get it Rachel. You can trust Kurt to never hurt you but you can't trust me"_ he says before slumming his shoulders and starts walking out of the kitchen. She figured he would yell at her, scream and shout and make a huge scene about what she just said but she never expects him to **cry**. But, the silent tears role down his cheeks and she has to swallow the lump in her throat. She hasn't seen him cry since that faithful day more than a year ago when he put her on the train to New York and asked her to surrender.  
Finn doesn't know what to do, he feels emotionally exhausted and he's too tired of all of this to even wipe the tears that keep coming. He makes a beeline for his bedroom and shuts the door behind him. He just needs some time alone to figure things out. He realizes that the environment he's in now is toxic for their relationship, or whatever the heck they're in right now.

* * *

He's putting stuff inside of his duffle bag when he hears a timid knock on the door

_"Come in"_ he says as he takes another couple pieces of clothing and stuffs it inside of the bag. He hears a sharp intake of breath and looks up to see Rachel looking at him with tears in her eyes and her hand clasped firmly on her mouth _"What are you doing?"_  
He knows this isn't going to be easy, he knows this is going to hurt but he's been thinking about this long and hard for the past two hours and he can't come up with any other solution _"I'm leaving"_ is all he says before he resumes packing. Her quiet sobs register with him but he can't let it affect his decision, not this time, not anymore. He needs to do this, for both of them _"Can we please talk about this?"_ he hears her say before she sits herself down next to his bag and stops his hand from reaching for more items to put in. Finn reluctantly agrees but he knows there's nothing that can be said to change his mind. He's leaving and that's that.  
_"Why?"_ is all she asks in this really small tone full of hurt and unshed tears. He takes a deep breath and wills himself to stay calm_ "I can't do this anymore Rachel. I know you've been through a lot and trust me, I get that it's hard for you too but I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much" _he expects her to get angry with him, to shout and throw in his face that he promised to never leave again but she doesn't. She just sits there silently, hands folded in her lap looking at the picture of the two of them together in happier times. When she finally talks her words cut through him _"I'm really sorry for all this Finn" _  
She's not supposed to feel or even **be **sorry, it's not her fault that everything is so messed up right now.  
_"It's not your fault Rachel. It's just that I can't do this anymore. You need help"_ he says and suddenly a flash of hurt and anger seeps over her face and she turns around and glares at him  
_"Excuse me?"_ she says through gritted teeth. Talk about a quick change in emotion Finn thinks when he hears her spitting the words at him  
_"You want to do this alone, but you can't. You need help you know, someone to talk to. Someone who can help you sift through all of the hurt and betrayal and anger you're probably still feeling with everything that happened"_  
_"I thought I had you and Kurt"_ is all she says before she stomps away angrily and leaves him alone once again.  
_"I meant professional help"_ he whispers before returning to the task at hand. This conversation only made him that much more determined to get out of there.

* * *

Being hold up in his room for the past couple hours hasn't been the best way to pass the time but he doesn't want to face Rachel alone and get into another fight so he waits for Kurt to come home. He knows that the conversation with his brother is going to be equally hard because he was so excited when the three of them got a place together. Finn can't blame him, he loved having his little brother around too and he's going to miss him terribly. A knock on his door takes him out of his thoughts and he sits up straight when the door silently opens. Kurt peaks his head through the crack of the door _"Can I come in?"_ he asks. Finn just nods and signals him to come inside.

_"I guess you heard from Rachel what's happening?"_ Finn says when he already sees the look of hurt on Kurt's face while eying the duffle bag in the corner of his room  
_"Why Finn?"_ Kurt sits himself down on his bed and Finn props himself up fully and rests his legs on the side of the bed  
_"I can't do this anymore Kurt. I've tried for __**weeks **__no __**months **__to be the man she wants me to be. To do __**everything **__her way, to give her everything she needs from me and __**still **__it isn't enough. It's never going to be enough" _he feels his throat burning and his eyes sting with the tears threatening to make their way out once again but he swallows and tries to stay calm  
_"It is enough Finn, you just don't see it" _he hears his brother say. He knows that Rachel is Kurt's best friend and he would do anything to keep her happy and he knows that right now he's just saying what he thinks he needs to say to get him to give up on leaving_  
"I'm never going to be what she wants me to be. It's like where more brother and sister than we're in a relationship together. She doesn't even let me hug her Kurt and you just come in and it's fine. I just, I can't, not anymore"_ he swallows  
_"You promised to never leave her again, Finn. You're doing exactly what you promised to __**never**__ do again" _Kurt's eyes bore into his but he doesn't back out now_  
"That's a promise I never should have made in a situation like this Kurt. She needs help"  
"She's got us"  
_He hopes one day his brother understands why he had to do what he's doing. It has nothing to do with wanting to hurt Rachel or not be here for her, it's just that he **can't **be anymore. He tried everything, there's simply nothing more he can do "_Not that kind of help Kurt"  
_His brother shoots him a angry look_ "She's counting on us to help her through this Finn and now you're just bailing"  
_Finn knows that it looks like he's bailing, but he's not. What are you supposed to do when you've accessed all your resources and don't know what to do anymore? She doesn't want to listen to reason and he can't force her_ "She's not supposed to count on us. We're not the ones who can help her here, not really anyway"  
_He's already tired of this conversation and he's in no condition to have another fight with **anyone **right now so he stands up, takes his duffle bag and starts walking towards the door. Kurt's hand on his arm stops him though "_You're just going to give up now? Don't you love her?"_  
Those words hurt but he knows Kurt's just trying to help_ "I love her more than life itself Kurt and you know that"_  
_"Than what the hell is the problem?"_  
_"Sometimes love isn't enough"_ Kurt gasps and slowly takes his hand off his arm and lets him go  
_"Take care little brother"_ is all he says before he starts walking out of his room towards the front door. Kurt follows and neither of them sees the tiny figure hunched down against the wall next to Finn's bedroom silently crying to herself having heard every word.

He takes one last look around the living room, takes a deep breath, hugs Kurt tightly and without saying another word he silently closes the door behind him leaving Kurt in tears.  
When he's outside the apartment building he finally lets his own tears flow freely.  
He really did it, he left her. He did something he swore never to do again and without noticing his legs give way under him and he lets himself crash down on the steps in front of the building and he starts crying uncontrollably. Just like that his whole world just comes crashing down and he has not a single clue as to what to do now.

* * *

**This was a really depressing chapter to write, but it had to be done in order to get the story going forward.**

**Please review**


	7. Chapter 7

**Still not 100% happy with the way I'm writing in this story & I'm contemplating on deleting the entire thing.  
Please let me know what you want me to do. Keep writing this story or quit it altogether? **

* * *

"_Let me get this straight, you just packed a bag and left?"  
_Finn's sitting in a quiet café down on Main Street looking at his best friend and just nods  
_"Something you promised you would __**never **__do again and you've done it twice now?"  
_He doesn't get why people don't seem to understand why he had to get out of that house _"I came back last time"_ he says slightly irritated because he expected his best friend to be on his side  
_"Are you planning on coming back this time?"_ her questions startles him. What exactly does he think he's going to get out of this situation? _"I don't know"_ he says in earnest and a silent tear slips down his cheek.  
Santana takes his hand and squeezes it _"For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing. You can't help someone who doesn't want any help and right now you have to take care of yourself and get yourself to a place you are comfortable with. Then you can be of use for Rachel. Not like this"  
_He gives her a lopsided grin when she finishes her story. He knows she's right and he has to be selfish and take care of himself but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard leaving her. He loves Rachel with his whole heart but right now he knows that isn't enough; he just hopes that somewhere in the future it can be again

* * *

Rachel has been cleaning the loft like crazy for the past couple days and as her best friend Kurt knows she's just doing it to keep busy and not think about what happened with Finn. He also knows he needs to get her to talk before she breaks down and takes a million steps back in her process. Although, he knows deep down Finn was right when he said they shouldn't and couldn't be the ones who help her. But as her best friend he can't just give up on her, and he knowsthat's not what Finn's doing either but she needs someone right now.

She's cleaning the bathroom for the fiftieth time when she hears Kurt come in and she has to take a deep breath. These past few days have been nice without having someone around constantly. She's just been alone with her thoughts and as scary and emotional as some of them were she did appreciate them.  
_"Rachel?"_ she hears him call into the room and she contemplates on staying silent and not reveal she's home but when she sees the doorknob coming down she knows that's not an option  
_"Rachel, are you"_ he doesn't finish his sentence when he sees her sitting on the edge of the bathtub staring into space  
_"Why didn't you answer?"_ he sits himself down on the toilet seat and takes her hand. She doesn't respond "_Rachel come on, talk to me"_ he tries again and this time she slowly turns around to look at him. Her tiny voice full off hurt cuts through him "_I can't"_ she whispers. Kurt squeezes her hand and smiles at her_ "Yes you can. I'm your best friend, you always tell me anything. I won't judge, you know that" _her big beautiful eyes search his and she nods_ "I lost him. I actually lost him this time Kurt_" she says desperately trying to choke back her tears  
_"That's not true Rachel. You could never lose him" before_ he knows it she's sobbing into his chest, hugging him with all her might  
_"Why can I do this with you but not with him"_ Rachel whispers looking up into his eyes pleading for answers  
_"What?"_ Kurt asks. He doesn't know what she means  
_"I can hug you no problem, you can even unexpectedly hug me and I'm fine. When Finn does it my whole body tenses and I practically shove him off me_" she explains brokenly.  
He knows that right now might not be the right time to bring it up but he has got to try_ "I don't know. That's not something I can answer for you, but-"he _pauses gawking her reaction _"maybe a professional can" _he finishes.  
She pushes herself out of his arms and stands up _"a professional?"_ she questions, looking at him through her tears  
_"I think it would be best if you would talk to someone, other than me and Finn I mean. I don't exactly know what happened but I know it's something serious"_ he says giving her a sad smile. He would never push her to tell him what exactly happened. But he can't deny the fact that he's a little jealous that she doesn't trust him enough to tell him what happened that was so heavy for Finn to stay in New York after he found out.  
_"I was raped"_ she suddenly whispers so quietly that's he's thinking he didn't hear it right. She repeats it a little louder a minute later and he knows he heard it right and his heart breaks for her.  
_" I'm so sorry Rachel. You never deserved any of this"_ he manages to choke out and he has to take all of his strength not to fall apart himself looking at the broken girl in front of him.  
Everything clicks into place then and there, her adversity towards men, her apprehensive attitude towards mostly his male friends, the separate bedrooms between her and Finn. He realizes now more than ever that she definitely needs professional help; this problem is so much bigger than the three of them combined.  
_"You should see a therapist" _he flaps out without thinking. Her whole body tenses and anger flashes over her face _"no"_ she says determinately  
_"Rachel"_ he tries pleading with her through his eyes  
_"NO"_ she says again, strongly and firmly "_You don't understand"_ she stands up and walks into her bedroom locking the door behind her.

* * *

**To: Finn**

**From: Kurt**

**Rachel told me what happened with her. This problem is so much bigger than us  
- Kurt**

XX

**To: Kurt  
From: Finn**

**She finally told? That's a huge step, I'm proud of her.  
-F**

XX

**To: Finn  
From: Kurt**

**We have got to get her help Finn**

XX

**To: Kurt  
From: Finn**

**What do you think I've been trying to do for months? Whe can't do anything for her if she doesn't want it Kurt  
- F**

XX

**To: Finn  
From: Kurt**

**I know. I just hate seeing her like this**

XX

**To: Kurt  
From: Finn**

**You and me both buddy  
-F**

He's been texting back and forth with Finn for a while when he hears her bedroom door open and out walks Rachel. The red rimming around her eyes reveal she's been crying non stop and she gives him a tiny smile showing him that she appreciates her giving her space. His phone buzzes again

**To: Kurt  
From: Finn**

**I'm scared for her Kurt. I love her and I want to be there for her but I can't if she won't get help and let me back in emotionally  
-F**

The couch dips beside him and he decides to show her his latest text message.  
_"I know"_ she whispers when she finishes reading and hands him back her phone. He's silent because he doesn't know what to say and he figures it's best to let her come to him this time  
_"It happened about three months after I moved. I was still heartbroken about Finn and Becca's brother was there and nice to me, or so I thought. One night he didn't want to leave when I asked him to"_ she swallows, her eyes full with unshed tears before she continues _"he beat the living daylight out of me, raped me and left me there to die_" her voice cracks _"after a while I got up, showered, covered my bruises and pretended that nothing happened" _She squeezes his hand which he didn't realize she took  
_"I avoided everything after that and when Finn got to New York I did everything in my power to keep him at a safe distance and told him I was robbed when he asked me why I acted so weird and jumpy"_  
Kurt can only nod, he doesn't know what to do or say to comfort her  
_"Obviously Finn was suspicious all along but one night he accidentally walked in on me in the shower and saw all my bruises_" Kurt nods again, urging her to get everything out _"I kind of freaked out on him and had no choice but to tell him the truth. I had to use everything in my power for him not to find Brody that instant and just have him kill him right then and there" _she's full on shaking and crying right now and he just holds her close _"I know I need help Kurt, I do. I can't go on like this or I'll lose Finn forever_" she whispers and he gives her a timid smile.  
_"It's just hard. Having to relive everything"_ he's about to offer to go with her when she says "_But I have to do this. For you, for Finn, but most of all for me, and I need to do this alone_"  
Kurt squeezes her hand "_You're going to be fine Rachel"_ He finally finds his voice "_You know how I know that?" _he asks and Rachel shakes her head.  
_"Because your Rachel Barbra Berry, star of New York, future Broadway star and quite possibly the future Mrs. Hudson and you're not alone in this. You'll always have Finn and me"_  
For the first time since the start of the conversation she gives him an earnest smile  
_"Thank you Kurt, for everything" she_ hugs him again and he gives her a kiss on her cheek.  
_"Don't thank me"_ he said but she knew she should  
_"I should, thank you __**and **__Finn. I really need to talk to him don't I_?" she asks and her eyes are big, bright and hopeful.  
"_Give him time Diva"_ Kurt says honestly. He knows Rachel and Finn will find their way back to each other but he also know it's going to take time on both their parts and a big effort on Rachel's. As much as she's been the victim in all this and didn't mean it she hurt him a lot and much of Finn's behavior makes sense to him now. But, he also knows that Rachel talking to a therapist is going to be the first big step into the right direction.

* * *

He's been working at this café for a couple weeks and managed to get a room above the café where he and Santana could live. Santana wasn't supposed to stay in New York but she fell in love with the city and convinced her parents to let her transfer schools. He can't say he minds having his best friend around, it's actually quite nice. He's locking up whe he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. Taking it out he swallows when he sees who it's from

**To: Finn  
From: Rach**

**Can we meet somewhere? Xo**

He doesn't know how to respond or what to think of this. They haven't had any contact in little over a month. Kurt told him she's been seeing a therapist twice a week for the past two weeks and he has to say he's extremely proud of her. Kurt also told him he's been seeing a significant change in her behavior and that she's been asking about him a lot. His phone buzzes again

**To: Finn  
From: Rach**

**Please?**

He reads the message over and over, just looking at that one word. He knows in the end he never would be able to deny her anything

**To: Rach  
From: Finn**

**Sure, when? –F**

He immediately gets a reply back

**To: Finn  
From: Rach**

**Don't know, your choice Xo**

Finn thinks that maybe it's best to meet on mutual ground so he suggests the Starbucks on the corner of 54 and 2nd this Thursday

**To: Finn  
From: Rach**

**Sounds lovely Finn. Can't wait to see you. Love you. Xo**

Without even thinking about it he replies

**To: Rach  
From: Finn**

**Love you too babe Xx**

He doesn't have to time to think about what he just send because not a second later she replies with a smiley face causing his heart to do a summersault.

Maybe, just maybe, things can only go up from here. With a little more pep in his step he tracks upstairs and hugs Santana the minute he walks through the door and sees her.  
She pushes him off her quickly and slaps him on the shoulder _"What in heaven's name got you so happy?"  
_He just snickers, takes a bottle of water and smiles at her _"Rachel"_ is all he says before he plops down on the couch, the grin not leaving his face for one second.

* * *

**Please let me know if I should continue this story or just give up.  
Thank you!**

**Xx**


End file.
